Pond Hopper

Basking in the silence

Ethan started nursery/playschool recently. To be honest, if we had a life that surrounded us with friends, family and lots of other kids for him to play with, I never would have started him so early (he'll be 2 at the end of May), but that is NOT our life.  We don't even have a babysitter. Ethan hasn't been without either me or his dad more then a couple of times in his life.  It's just not a normal life for any of us.  So, I have to do what's best for him and being exposed to adults besides his parents and other children to play with is right for him.

It's 3 hours a day twice a week.  He LOVES it.  I was so stressed out before he started going because he was going through a bout of separation anxiety.  I couldn't leave the room without him crying and Wayne couldn't take him out without him crying and calling Mommy the whole time.  He said he was starting to worry that people would think that he abducted Ethan!

We took Ethan for a couple of taster sessions first (which we were there for).  The night before his first day on his own, I cried several times worrying about the panic he's go through the first time he looked for me and I wouldn't be there.  It killed me, but his first day went without a hitch.  The 2nd day, I fully expected tears because this time he'd know I was going to leave him, but he ran right in without looking back.

Today is his 3rd day.  What a joy it to leave him in a safe place where I know he will have fun and get a couple of hours to do what ever I want.  I have to walk over to pick him up in  an hour, but for the moment, I am basking in the silence.  I'm just sitting here with no TV and no toddler madness.  I am sitting here by myself and relishing in the 'Me time' I almost never get to experience.

I can't wait for the life back home where we will have family he can visit with and his time away from us will be with people who love him.  And babysitters! Wayne and I can actually have time alone!  We can go out to dinner (or stay in) and not have to worry about our parental duties for a night or two.  And play dates with close friends or family - what a lovely thought.  A normal life would be just wonderful.  For now, I will sit here with my Latte and bask in the silence for a little while.

The world today

I just had an interesting conversation with a taxi driver.  He asked me where I was from and I gave him my default answer:  New Jersey, which is right outside New York.  Mind you, with the bad rep Jersey has, I'm always tempted to just say NY. Other days when I'm not in the mood for the whole American thing, I'm also tempted to say Canada, but I'm an American Jersey girl through and through and never deny either.  I digress...

The taxi driver told me he was in NYC a month after 9/11.  His trip was planned for months before and they would have lost their money if they can celled.  Since NYC was probably the safest place in the world at that time, they decided to go.  He told me he went to ground zero.  I told him I've never been and that the 2 weeks I spent in front of the TV was always enough for me.  I still have never been.  I said it must have been a surreal place to be 4 weeks later, but it was also a good time to visit the States because it was a time that America was at it's best.  I'd  elaborate on that statement, but I don't feel it's really necessary.

One of the reasons I've never been to ground zero is because after it happened, I kinda shied away from public transportation.  To be honest, I still think twice every time I step on a train or an airplane.  I was in NJ for 9/11 and here for 7/7 so I can't help to be a little scared every time I take any sort of mass transit.  Wayne says you can't live your life like that.  I say, it doesn't stop me.  I do it anyway, but I can't help to have it cross my mind.  We went to the US Embassy in London a few weeks ago and that was unnerving too.  It just doesn't leave you.  The world today is a different place.

I've heard British people say that nothing changed for them on 9/11 that with the IRA, the people here have been dealing with terrorism for a long time.  But I don't think that's true.  I think things changed for people all over the world.  The world today is a different place and no matter what your nationality, I think we all look around at the people near by when we're on a train, subway, bus or airplane.  The thing is, we just don't know what we're looking for.

Postcards from accross the pond

Just bought the book 'Postcards from across the Pond' by Michael Harling on Amazon. It arrived today. I stole a couple of minutes to flip through it while Ethan played. I read 2 pages and laughed out loud twice. I can't say enough how validated I feel by this book. How wonderful to see someone else put down on paper some of the same struggles I've experienced being an American living in the UK. I can't wait to get the time to read it properly (click the photo to get your own copy on Amazon)!

Thank you Michael! 

Spontaneous dancing

Watching my son play is such a joy.  He finds pleasure in the simplest of things.  Among his vast variety of toy vehicles, he has this toy car garage that has one of those spiral ramps on it.  He plays with it more than any other toy.  He has a bucket of matchbox cars and just takes one after the other and sends them down the ramp - stopping occasionally to watch some thing on TV or dance to what ever song comes on.  The spontaneous dancing is the greatest.  To be so happy...

On Starting again...

I'm going to throw myself into starting over with this blog.  I'm thinking a whole new look - maybe even a whole new blog/site, although I'd hate to lose this entire blog.  It's been with me through my journey here in the UK.  I'm looking at using either Blogger or Wordpress.  I like Blogger because it's very user friendly, easy to use and offers alot of freedom as far as the design of the blog.  I don't have a lot of time these days to throw myself in head first at a new design and training in a new platform. 

Then there is the other end of the spectrum - Wordpress that allows you to completely customize and design your site and blog.  It would require self training and would probably be time consuming, but the tech side of me is dying for a new challenge that doesn't require my maternal instincts.  The last two years have been about being a mom and nothing else. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  I LOVE being a mom.  It's the best job on earth.  A lot of moms complain about motherhood.  I don't know too many that actually enjoy their kids.  I enjoy being a mom.  I never complain about it because I consider it to be a blessing.  That being said, I have a wonderful, easy little boy who is happy 90% of the time.  Sure he is getting into the terrible twos now, but I'm sure like babyhood, his toddler years will be easy by comparison to other kids I know...

So, as much as I enjoy being a mom, my brain needs a more than Disney Pixar Cars and Goodnight Moon.  My son needs less constant attention now and it's time I do a little something for me before I become brain dead - commonly referred to as 'Mommy brain'. 

I'm on Lynda.com today looking at the wordpress training material.  Maybe I'll throw myself into the deep end and get some of my brain power back.  In the meantime,  I'm going to make sure I keep blogging every day and get myself going again.  I'm happier when I can get out of my own head and put it out there.  I recently heard someone say that with the internet, you are never alone.  With a click of the mouse, you are out in the world.  Hello world :-)

Starting again - again :-)

I know it's been ages since I kept up with this blog, but now that Wayne and I are starting our journey back across the pond to the US, I thought there couldn't be a better time to start again.
Wayne's interview is next Tuesday for his Green Card application.  It's cost us a a small fortune so far.  1st there was the initial application fee which as something like $400.00, then there was the medical exam that cost £190 (Approx $290.00) then there was the police check which was £75 and getting Ethan's US citizenship cost another $150.00 (approx £100.00).  I don't know how much the interview will cost, but I think it's another $400.00 (approx £260.00). This doesn't count the £1.90 a minute I have to pay to call the information line every time I have had a question!
I've been taking care of the application process myself. which is a bit unnerving considering people get lawyers to do it for them.  I hope I'm doing it correctly because they sure don't make it easy!
Because I reside in the UK and not the US, I am not allowed to sponsor him alone.  My parents have agreed to be his co-sponsor.  Two weeks before his interview, they decided to tell me that they do not want to send the paperwork through international mail and the only way they will agree to continue with the sponsorship is if they can hand the paperwork into their local immigration office!  Fun right?  Now, I have to try to get a hold of someone at the embassy to help me with this before his appointment.  So far, I have only been able to email someone (they don't talk to you over the phone).  Nothing like a nail biting wait to keep things interesting...

Back to the way it was

A couple of years ago, I found out that someone from my past that was very important to me, was not the person I thought he was.  To me, this was heartbreaking.  It was like finding out that most of my life was a lie.  He was one person that I thought no matter what, we would always love each other - even if we led separate lives and fell in love with other people.  He was a constant in my life - Death, taxes and no matter what, we and I would always love each other.  It turned out that I was wrong and he was never who I thought he was.  What's worse is he had no apology for it.  He was horrible to me when I found out (I was just as horrible right back) and we never spoke again.
After that, I changed my blog.  I went through and looked for every entry that had to do with him and unpublished them.  I thought keeping them there was like telling lies.  But today, I put them back.  They story they tell may not be the story as it really was, but it's still the story the way I saw it.
My husband always tells me that when it comes to this blog, it has to remain honest.  I can't delete the things I don't like or leave them out.  So, I put my old posts back where they should be.  It may have taken a while to come to terms with learning the truth, but I have now.  I'm still sad about the way it turned out, but it is what it is and I can't delete what I don't like.

All that being said, my story has a very happy ending.  My life before now may not have been what I thought it was but it now has 2 new constants - my husband will always be the one and only love of my life and I will always be a mother to my amazing boy. It doesn't get much better than that.

International relastionships

I think I'm finally going to stop saying that I'm going to try to start blogging again on a regular basis - it seems to have the opposite effect on me...
Things haven't changed much here.  Ethan is doing fine and the doctor has all but given the all clear.  She's keeping his case open so that we can track his progress.
Wayne's green card application is coming along.  He has an interview at the end of the month.  With any luck, it won't be too long and we'll be able to move back this year.
Me, I'm still bored, still lacking a social life (unless you count my 2 year old best friend, who is fabulous company, but not a great conversationalist) and still homesick on a regular basis.
Wayne's cousin (and best friend) has just met an American girl on-line.  Thier on-line relationship lasted about a month before they met in person and after 2 short weeks together, they are planning they're wedding! They are Wayne and I on speed! Yes, it only took us 26 days to a fall head over heals with each other and meet in person, but Wayne waited 6 months to sell his house and move to the states! I say this tongue in cheek because it was probably just how long it took him to sell the house to enable him to make the move.  We were married a year later -  6+ years and we're still in love and have a family.
The thing is, I have to wonder how common our story is.  I'm sure alot of people do what we did and what Wayne's cousin is doing, but I wonder how many actually end up truly in love and in successful relationships after moving so quick.  I like to think when it's right - you know.  We truly knew and once we were together, it never accrued to us to have it any other way.  I still can't help but have my concerns for Wayne's cousin and his new found love.
An international love affair is not for the faint hearted.  Before someone can make a move, you spend most of your time heart broken and missing your love.  When someone finally makes a move, they have to leave all they know and love behind.  This is no easy task.  If I knew then, what I know now would I change things?  No, I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but I can't say it's something I'd recommend to others because although I am happy with Wayne, I am not happy living in England and never have been.
We just broke the news to Wayne's family that we're planning our move to the States.  I can't help but feel guilty to cause them so much heartache (never mind what my loved ones have had to endure over the last 6 years). 
When things started for Wayne and I, nothing could have stopped us, but we never took into account how many people would suffer by us being together.  It really is bitter sweet.  I waited my whole life for what Wayne and I have, and I am so grateful to have it, but it has never been easy.  I just hope that the move gives us a better life.  I hope he ends up liking living there because I'd hate for it to turn out that one of us will always have to sacrifice being truly happy.

The wait is over

After a long and painful wait, we had our follow-up appointment with the specialist on new year's eve.  It wasn't a happy new year for us because he scheduled Ethan for surgery the following Tuesday to have the lump in his neck removed.  He'd be admitted in the morning and would even have to be put under anesthesia.  This was no small procedure for a year and a half old baby.  I was a mess over it and wasn't exactly in the mood to ring in the new year with any celebration and went to bed before midnight.
I couldn't believe we went from ear infection to biopsy with literally nothing in between.  We have been just sitting on our hands for the last two months with not even a blood test or urine sample.  The specialist (Ear Nose & Throat specialist) never even examined Ethan to any great extent.  I wanted to scream.  The doctor assured me this was necessary which to me, made me think he made his mind up on what it was which didn't require a test.  My husband was against the surgery and we were at odds over it.  But the doctor told me it was what we had to do.  I told Wayne when he got his medical degree that I'd take his opinion over a doctor's.  It was awful not being on the same page when it came to our son and his health.
On Monday, we had an appointment with a pediatrician for a 2nd opinion before Ethan's surgery the following day. Over the weekend (between appointments)  Ethan had come down with the flu and was quite sick - Sicker than he'd ever been.  I was out of my mind with worry, thinking that his flu was a symptom of something much more sinister.  I moved Ethan into our bed at night and kept him close at all times.  I was falling apart at the seems.  By the time the appointment came, I was sick to my stomach and fighting back tears on a moment to moment basis.
In this country, a pediatrician is not regular doctor.  A pediatrician is a specialist that your child sees only if there is a real problem.  Your family doctor treats the entire family including babies and children.  It was a comfort to finally be able to see a specialist in children.  The first thing she did was strip Ethan down to his diaper and give him a thorough examination.  She then sat us down to discuss what was happening.  When she found out Ethan was scheduled for surgery the next day, she was shocked.  She said I wish you were sent to me first.  She said she didn't recommend surgery.  She recommended a battery of tests and said if the tests came back showing anything abnormal we would discuss it then but lymph nodes like these sometimes happen with children and it isn't anything to worry about as long as the tests come back ok.  It can even take years for them to go down.  I was so relieved by all that she said, I just broke down and cried in her office. The surgery was cancelled.
We were immediately sent down for a chest xray to check for lumps in the chest or lungs and then for a blood test.  She also set him up for an ultrasound of his belly to make sure there were no additional lumps there.  FINALLY, something was being done! 
The following day, she called to let us know the blood work came back fine and as long as everything else came back fine, she would follow up with us in 6 weeks.  We're waiting for the ultrasound appointment to come through, but this time - the wait is seamless and I'm not at all worried.  For the first time in months - I can breath.

Nothing New

Ethan had his scan yesterday.  The technician told us the results right then and there.  She said that it ruled out fatty tissue, cysts and confirmed that it's his lymph nodes.  So basically, it just confirmed what the doctor already told us.  I asked if it was something serious if she'd be able to tell - the answer was no.  I had really hoped the scan would be the answer we needed but it was really nothing new and we are no closer to an answer than we were before.  The only thing to do now is wait for our next appointment with the doctor to see what the next step will be.  Our next appointment is on the 31st.  The waiting game begins - again.
My saving grace here is that Ethan doesn't seem to be in any real discomfort.  It's not as if we have to watch him suffer as we wait.  The only time it's evident that there is a problem is at night when he's trying to sleep.  I think the pressure on his ear is worse when he's laying down and he wakes up several times a night.  Other than that, he pulls on his ear occasionally throughout the day and gives his head a little shake.  You can tell it bothers him, but for the most part he is a happy little guy who is always smiling and full of energy.  Thank goodness for that.  If he was suffering, I don't think I could stand the wait.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted.  I don't know the last time I slept through the night.  Evan if Ethan sleeps, I can't.  Right now all I want to do is sleep, but every time I go to bed, I lay there either on the verge of tears or terrified by the uncertainty of what's happening.  I just can't bring myself to go to bed.
I got Ethan's scan moved up to tomorrow.  That would be really good news if I didn't just find out that the Doctor that's giving us the results is on vacation.  I don't know when he'll be back and it may be that I will have to wait until the 31st to get the results.  I have a call into our family doctor.  He's supposed to call me back in the morning.  I'm going to beg him to try to find out for me, but I'm not sure he'll be able to.  I can't believe the dumb luck of it!  I get the scan moved, but still can't get the results until after Christmas!
Ethan has come down with a cold and fever.  The poor guy was really miserable earlier.  I just want a magic wand I can wave to just make it all ok.  half the time, I feel like crying and the other half, I feel like I can't breath.  No matter what though, we never let Ethan get even a hint of there being anything wrong.  The best thing we can do for him is keep him comfortable and happy.  He is the happiest little boy.  I can't imagine anything getting him down for very long.  He just has to be ok.  He has to be.

The waiting is killing me...

Each day is different than the one before.  A couple of days ago, I cried randomly throughout the day.  The next day, I had nervous energy, but never shed a tear.  It's the nights that are the worst.  If Ethan sleeps through the night and I can sleep, it's fine, but I think the pressure in Ethan's ear is really painful (the lump has gotten so big that it's closing the the opening in his ear) and he usually wakes up at least once in the middle of the night.  I go in, sit on the glider chair with him, lay him down on me and stroke his hair until he's ready to go back down.  Those little quite moments with him are the ones that send me reeling because all I want is for it to just go away and be OK.
When I go back to bed, I'm either fighting tears, restless and nervous or wanting to scream - SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! It usually takes hours to get back to sleep if I do get back to sleep at all.
The only thing that remains the same each day is the wait and disappointment when the mail comes through the door.  Today, the letter for his scan finally arrived.  The appointment isn't until the 22nd.  Not only do we have to wait another 12 days, but it's now certain that we won't know the results before Christmas unless by some miracle his pediatrician appointment ends up being on the 23rd or 24th.  That would be a Christmas miracle and would probable have me re-think my religious beliefs.  I'm not counting on it though so it doesn't look like it's going to be a very Merry Christmas for us with all this hanging over us.  Maybe the new year will be different.  If the wait doesn't kill me by then...

Keeping it together...

Wayne's night sweats came back last night.  His incision is still open and not healing.  It looks like the infection is gone, but it's still worrying.  I just want to be rest assured that he's healing and healthy, but it seems to be one thing after another.  He goes to the doctor today so we'll find out what is normal and what isn't.
To add to our stresses, he can't go back to work until it heals and we're quickly running through our savings.  What we saved for our move back to the States is almost gone.  We will have to start over once this has all passed.  I know what's important is that I still have my husband and father of my child, but it's still a disappointment.  The move will be postponed.  On top of that, we got a letter about 6 weeks ago (when all of this started) saying that to continue with his green card application, he has to go in for a health examination.  We've apparently been delayed with responding...
The letter for Ethan's scan still hasn't come.  I'm waiting with baited breath.  He's sleeping a little better at night, but at times he apparently in pain and I can't help but worry.  I have a little cry at least once a day, but try to put on a brave face.
I'm trying hard to stay strong for all our sakes.  Too much stress will cause a flair up of my condition and that's the last thing we need in this house.  I've already had signs of a flair up and went to the doctor to start on some meds and keep it at bay.  They wanted to start me on physiotherapy, but with that you get worse before you get better and I just don't have that luxury right now.  I haven't had a serious flair up in about 6 years and now is not the time.  Hopefully the meds will do their job. 

What doesn't kill us - only makes us stronger??

We saw the specialist for Ethan's lump on Thursday.  Another lump has formed in his neck.  the doctor said that it's his lymph nodes.  He said that typically, this sort of thing is caused by an infection, but it usually clears after 4 to 6 weeks.  It's been 5 weeks.  He said he will arrange for him to have a scan and will also arrange for him to see a pediatrician.  If there is no change by the end of the month, they will have to remove the lump surgically and do a biopsy.
The only thing we can do now is wait.  The way it works with the health care system in this country is they make the appointment for you and then send you a confirmation by mail.  You have no idea when the appointment will be or how long you will have to wait.  The wait is the worst part with something like this.
I cried quietly the whole way home but have tried to stay strong in front of Ethan.  I am constantly on the verge of tears and am sick with worry.
Ethan seems fine (besides still waking up at night, but that has gotten considerably better).  He's full of energy and perfectly happy.  You can tell he's in pain because every once in a while he puts his hand on his head and then shakes it.  Other than that, you'd never know there is anything wrong.  I'm hoping that is a good sign.
Wayne's night sweats have finally stopped.  His incision is still open & oozing, but has improved a bit.  He goes to the doctor every 2 days to have the wound cleaned and the dressing changed.  It looks like he is finally on the mend.

What doesn't kill us (part 5)...

Wayne's night sweats continued and Ethan was still waking up several times a night apparently in pain.  I hadn't slept in weeks and was now taking care of both of them on my own (my in-laws left the morning after Wayne came home). 
After a week, Wayne's incision started to ooze, he was complaining of pain in his chest and Ethan wasn't improving.  We took them both to the doctor and found out that Wayen's incision was infected and he also had a partially collapsed lung and chest infection.  The lump on Ethan's ear had doubled in size and the ear infection still hadn't cleared.  The doctor put them both on antibiotics and made follow-up appointments for them a week later.
Before Wayne's follow up appointment came, he was back in the hospital.  His incision was so infected, they had to open and drain it.  That night, I had to stay home with Ethan and had to send Wayne on his own.  An hour later, there was a black out and I had to sit alone in the dark for hours.  He was released later that night (after the lights were back on) with an open incision and was told he'd be treated on an out-patient basis.
The following day, we took Ethan back to the doctor.  The lump had become so big, it was closing the opening of his ear.  The doctor said since he didn't respond to antibiotics that maybe it wasn't being caused by an infection and made an appointment to see a specialist.  We couldn't get an appointment for a week and a half.  I thought the wait would kill me...

What doesn't kill us (part 4)...

My visit to recovery was brief.  I couldn't bear to see him that way and he wasn't really aware of my presents.  The nurse told me he would be up to the ward in about 15 minutes and I left to wait there. 
An hour later, he wasn't out of recovery.  I was worried sick.  A nurse saw me sitting there and came over to check on me.  He called recovery and told me they couldn't get the fever down and wouldn't let him out until the fever was more manageable.  Another hour past before they brought him up.  He was awake and had an oxygen mask on.  By this time it was late into the night.  I stayed until he wanted to sleep and went home to an empty bed.
Back at home, my son had a low grade fever and wasn't sleeping at night (he hadn't slept good in the weeks prior due to a cold he was just getting over).  I had to get up 3 or 4 times a night to calm him.  I put it down to a cold,teething and things being so different for him.  Mommy wasn't there for bed time, Daddy wasn't there either and Nannie and Granddad were giving him dinner, doing bath time and putting him to bed.  I figured he was out of sorts and not feeling great. 
I hadn't slept through the night in weeks and with the added stress, felt like hell each day.  Wayne's infection took a week to clear.  Every night, I would arrive at the hospital to find him delirious from the fever.  They had him on super strong antibiotics and kept telling me he would start to respond to them with time.  His incision area became swollen and red as well and I thought he'd never get better.  After a week in the hospital, the fever broke and they said he could be discharged as long as the fever didn't come back in 24 hours.
The night before Wayne was due to come home, up with Ethan in the middle of the night, I found a lump just outside his ear.  My heart sank .  I called the doctor fist thing in the morning and took him straight in.  The doctor said he had an ear infection and the lump was most likely caused by the infection.  He said if it wasn't gone in a weeks time, he'd give him antibiotics.
Wayne came home that day and the following night, the night sweats returned...
continued in the next post - - -

What doesn't kill us (part 3)...

While Wayne was in surgery I wandered around the hospital in a kind of a daze.  I couldn't find anywhere I wanted to be.  As I wandered, I found a single chair between floors in a stairwell and I sat there.  If I had to go through it alone, I didn't want to be around strangers.  I called my best friend and my mother to give them updates (as well as Wayne's parents) and spent the rest of my time either in that chair or in the hallway near the ward they would take Wayne to after his surgery.
The doctor in charge of Wayne's case turned out to be the same doctor that was my doctor when I had mt appendix out during my pregnancy.  After hours of waiting, as I sat in the hallway, the doctor came walking down the hall.  I jumped out of my seat and ran up to him (must have looked like a crazy woman).  I said, I am so happy to see you!  He had no idea who I was and must have been confused. I explained he was my doctor during my ordeal and that Wayne was my husband.  He said, 'oh, the man who just had his appendix out.' I was so relieved to hear the mass was actually his appendix.  The doctor explained that Wayne had a very nasty appendix that had burst and they took the equivalent of a Pepsi can full of puss out of his gut.  He not only had one large abscess, but two and the infection had spread to his blood.  He said they got to it in time and that he would be ok.  I hugged him - twice.   And then showed him my son's photo and told him he was responsible for him (if not for him doing my surgery during my pregnancy who knows what would have become of me or my son).  And then I hugged him again and let him go on his way (after all he wasn't looking for me when he came walking down the hallway.  I was just the crazy woman who grabbed him and hugged him several times).
Hours later, he came down the hall again and saw me still sitting there waiting.  He asked if I was ok (I must have looked a nervous wreck).  I said I was and asked if I was sitting in the right place.  He said, 'come with me'.  He walked me down to recovery (he's a head surgeon at the hospital).  He put the code into the keypad by the door and the doors opened dramatically.  He turned to me and said to wait there.  He walked in to the recovery room like super hero and announced he was looking for Wayne.  The doors closed behind him and I waited for him to come back.  When he came back, he took me in and introduced me to the recovery nurses and made his exit (my hero). 
I know it was a lovely gesture to take me in there, but the doctor was used to seeing people just out of surgery.  He probably didn't consider how it would be for me to see Wayne that way.  As soon as I walked over, I wasn't sure if I was going to be sick or pass out.  My strong strapping husband was laying there looking half dead.  He had dried blood on his hands and he was only semi-conscious.  He saw me and put his hand out to me.  I walked over nervously, asked if he was in pain and told him I loved him...
To be continued in the next post - - -

What doesn't kill us (part 2)...

The doctor took Wayne to our bedroom and examined him.  He called the hospital and had him admitted over the phone (sure it was his appendix).  I called one of the Moms I have play-dates with (whom I now call my friend) to come babysit Ethan and we took a taxi to the hospital.  3 hours later, after Wayne was finally comfortable, I had to leave him there because my friend couldn't stay with Ethan any longer.
The next morning, when when of the other moms found out what had happened, she came to my house at 7AM to sit with me so I didn't have to be on my own waiting for my in-laws to arrive so I could go to the hospital (friend number 2). 
My in-laws arrived later that day and by the end of that day, they took my husband in for emergency surgery.  They had done a scan and found what they described as a 'mass' and needed to operate to see what it was.  As they rolled him into the OR, I stood there alone in the hallway thinking they just took my whole life into that operating room.  The love I have for him is the same today as it was when we first fell in love and I couldn't imagine my life without him.  I have never been so terrified and the hours that followed were the longest hours of my life and I couldn't believe I had to endure them alone. 
To be continued in the next post - - -

What doesn't kill us...

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind.  It started with My husband Wayne coming down with a high fever and pain in his abdomen.  A couple of days later, he felt better and went back to work.  Two weeks later, it came back only worse.  The fever was 104 for 5 days and the pain was getting progressively worse.  We took him to the doctor (our GP didn't have any available appointments and we saw a doctor we had never seen before).  He talked to Wayne about his symptoms without even an exam and concluded he had a urinary track infection.  He wrote him a prescription for some antibiotics and told him to leave a urine sample on his way out.  We were to call for the results in a few days.
The following day, Wayne was in a lot of pain.  He'd had the high fever for 5 days and I was terribly worried and sure it was not a urinary track infection.  I wanted to take him to the emergency room and he kept saying, lets just wait until the test results come in.  By the end of the day, I called an ambulance. 
The paramedic that came talked to Wayne and when he heard the doctor thought it was a urinary track infection, decided that it wasn't an emergency after all and told us he wasn't going to get an ambulance to take him in.  He told us that 'A&E (the British version of the ER) stood for accident and emergency and this was neither'.  He said even if he took him in, he would have to sit in the waiting room just like everyone else.  He then told us it was up to us.  I said to him, 'how do you know it's not his appendix??' he replied with, 'because I've had appendicitis and that's not what this is.'  In the end, we asked him to leave if he wasn't going to take him in and I slammed the door in his face.  I wanted to kill the man with my bare hands, but at the time, I had bigger fish to fry. 
It was 6pm on a Friday night.  My GP's office was about to close.  I called in a desperate attempt to get the night doctor to see Wayne.  When they heard what was happening, they had our doctor call us right back.  When he heard that the doctor the day before didn't even examine Wayne and the ambulance had left without him, he said he'd be right over.  Within 30 minutes, our doctor was standing at our doorstep.  Unbelievable...

To be continued in the next post - - -

Admitting Defeat

Last week, my husband informed me that I'm miserable.  He said the only time I smile any more is when I'm with my son.  I got defensive and very woe is me like and asked is that why I can't make any friends here - because I have an air of misery?? Followed by a quick exit of the room to go and clean something (that's what woman do.  We clean things when we're upset).  Later when I was ready to talk, I asked him, 'Is that really how you see me?' He said, 'yes, but I know why you're miserable and I know what I have to do to change it.'
So, we're going back to the States.  Wayne hopes to do it next summer, but there is a lot to be done before then so as long as it doesn't take another 2 years, I'm just glad the decision has been made.
We've talked about doing it before, but then the recession hit and our businesses suffered and the plans had to be nixed.  We're doing better now and we're going to hit the ground running.  Earlier this week, I started Wayne's Green Card application.  Once it's sent and the money is paid, it will be the official start of our long trip home.
Maybe there is no shame in admitting defeat.  Maybe me and England were never meant to be.  Five years is a long time to go without friends and without family.  I am officially admitting defeat and going back before I am forever changed by this experience.

Been sick AGAIN!

Today is my first day out of bed in 3 days.  I caught what Ethan had last week.  I think the downside to parenthood has to be the random illnesses we catch from our children.  I haven't been that sick since I was a child.  I had a 103 fever, chills, nausea, aches etc etc.  It was just awful.  Thankfully, I got over it quicker than Ethan or we'd be cooped up in this house for another week.  Today is day 8 since we've been able to leave the house and we both are suffering from cabin fever. 
We have a plumber here doing work that will probably be going the rest of the day so it will be another long day.  I have my little man sleeping on a baby mattress I put on the floor next to me so he can sleep in peace (they are working next to his room).  The only problem is that I'm stuck here until he wakes up (it's not a baby proofed room).  He looks so small all curled up in a ball.  Still not feeling a 100% - I feel like joining him. 
I know this is the most boring post on earth but it's just meant to be an update.  I'll write my real post later...

The first of many bad nights...

There is nothing that makes you feel more helpless than a sick child.  Last night was the first time since becoming a toddler that my little boy was very sick.  When they are babies, it's still hard, but they aren't really looking for you to help.

Ethan's first Christmas was spent with a stomach virus that made it's way through Wayne's entire family (including me).  The poor little guy was only 6 months old and he spent the better part of two days vomiting up everything he ate.  When he wasn't being sick, you'd never guess there was anything wrong - he just continued to smile and play.
At 8 months old, the night before leaving for his first trip to the US, he got terribly sick with a high fever.  We spent the night in the ER before starting our trip early the next morning.  The doctor said it would be ok to travel and so we did.  Looking back, I'd never do that again.  It was a long awful trip for him, us and everyone on the plane.
Last night was different though.  Last night, he wasn't a baby anymore.  He woke around 1:00 screaming and burning up.  I picked him up out of his crib and there was no consoling him.  I sat him down in the rocker to try and sooth him and he started to vomit.  This time, he was older than when it happened before.  This time he was clearly scared and distressed by being so sick and he kept waving his arms at me and trying to hug me while crying with this look of panic on his face - As if to say, Mommy make it stop.  It was the same each time it happened and it broke my heart to not be able to make it stop.  His fever was 103 (39.5 C) and I could feel his skin burning mine as I held him.  In between throwing up, he clung to me for dear life and I wanted so badly to wave a magic wand that would make it all ok.  In the end, he fell asleep in my arms and in our bed.  This morning he was up at 6:00 and his fever was down to 101.  I feel like I got hit by a bus.
I know this was the first of many nights like this.  As he grows up, he will get sick and I'll go through it again and again, but the first time is hard.  No-one could have prepared me for the love I have for this little boy.  I can't imagine what it must be like for parents with a child who is chronically ill.  It must be a horific experiance.  At least I had the comfort of knowing it woud pass.

Social Networking Sites

I've been on both Facebook & MySpace for quite some time. When I first joined, I couldn't understand the appeal. I just didn't see what all the fuss was about. Then one day my best friend called me and told me to check something out on Facebook (a photo of someone from days gone by). While having a peek, I noticed that people where using their maiden names to make it easier for people to find them. I figured this was a good idea and I did the same. That's when it all became clear because before long, I had over a 100 different people on my friend list. It was a mix of people from throughout my life that I had friendships with, knew casually or went to school with (and some that knew me, but I honestly didn't remember them). It was quite the phenomenon - at my fingertips, there were over 100 people from throughout my life that I could see pictures of & catch up with! There is a downside to this phenomenon though. Actually, there are many downsides. Some I won't discuss, but I will name a few in this post and in posts to follow. For one, catching up with people may not be quite what you imagine. You can look back on days gone by and have something emerge you never quite expected... On MySpace, I had the first great love in my life send me a friend request. I was shocked & so pleased to hear from him in this way. Before long he started posting pictures of the days we were together - pictures he said were taken for me while we were in a long distance relationship (he was in the Army) - pictures he wrote me love letters on. Seeing these photos on such a public forum bothered me. After all, they were my photos, but I swept those thoughts from my head thinking I'm happily married now, it was a long time ago - what's the difference now. Soon after, there was a comment on one of those photos from a woman I did not recognize and never heard of before. Her comment read something like this - 'Thanks so much for the memories - you were such a prize on my arm back then.' Ouch! This was the man I believed was the first real love of my life. This was that man that all other were compared to - the man I kept a special place in my heart for. 20 years later, there I sat heartbroken by the truth of the matter. One little thing on social networking site, changed my whole life story. It went from I story that I thought I knew, to one I only knew the edited version of and that is hard to get used to. My memories are skewed and I'll never know what was real and what wasn't.

5 years on...

I've been in the UK for 5 years now and I haven't made any real friends here - sure there is the occasional mom I meet up with, but there isn't anybody I talk to on a regular basis or feel very close with.
Ever since having Ethan, I've been really homesick.  Wayne is so busy with work and I just feel so lonely. I spend so much time on my own with just my son - I'd say 80% of my time is just him and I. I LOVE being a mom, but it's still very lonely & isolating and it's really wearing on me. I don't drive here & have a home business which doesn't help. I've done toddler & baby groups with little luck (starting a new one on Thursday) and have also done classes as well. I've joined a gym, a slimming world group & also tried being a consultant for a cosmetics company doing in home parties - All in the hope of making new friends.
I have had probably about a dozen different Moms over for play dates but sooner or later they all drop off. To be honest, I'm starting to get a complex! I never had trouble making friends before coming here. I've always had an easy time of it when it comes to a social life, but it's so hard for me in this country. 5 years is a long (lonely) time to go without friends.
Last week, Wayne got hurt at work and had to go to the emergency room. His family lives 4 hours away & I had nobody I could call to come babysit so I could go be with my husband. It's just not normal to live like this!
I miss my family and friends back home. I miss seamless conversation. I miss feeling like I belong. I'm so fed up with always feeling out of place and always being the only American in the room.

Sorry...

I know I said I was going to start blogging again and now it's been ages.  The thing is, we moved on July 10th.  Leading up to it, I was really busy getting ready for the move and then it was a matter of settling in.  It doesn't help that the computer is in a room that isn't baby-proofed.  I only get to the computer when Ethan is sleeping so it's hard to get a free moment.  I will try though.

The new house is lovely.  We're in a waterfront property right on the harbour. The view is amazing.  It changes your mood just looking out the window!  This was the 4th move in 5 years.  I told my husband that this is the last time.  If we're not buying a place to develop or moving back to the Sates - I'm staying here!