Pond Hopper

All it takes is one...

All it takes is one comment from another American living in the UK to make me feel like a complete and utter social failure.  I don't know why. 
I'm a member of two separate forums - one is a Moms forum and the other is an American expats in the UK forum. My posts here & on the forums usually reflect each other in one form or another. 
I found an expat section of the Mom's forum and wrote a post (very similar to my 5 years on post here) I entitled 'Lonely American' & on the expats forum it was just plain 'Lonely' the response was unbelievable.  I had so many Americans (and one Australian) who told me I could have written it for them because they have had the exact same experience.  One thread is still getting responses today.  It was lovely to hear from others that it's not just me - that I don't suffer from any social dysfunction.
But when you have a public blog or are on a forum that you post on, you leave yourself open to both support and criticism.  Although I receieved more responses of support, it's the others that really get to me.  Some Americans living here that have had an easy time of it and enjoy their lives, responded in a way that makes me feel like I have failed in some way -  Like there was something more I could have done to make friends or fit in easier.  I even got some telling me good luck going back because after 5 years, there won't be much to go back to - People move on and they won't be there for me like they were before. 
This really bothers me.  It's bad enough I have to hear how different and positive their experiences living here have been, but I also have to be told that when I go back, there won't be much to go back to.  How gloom and doom...
Why do I feel like defending myself and listing all I have done to try to make friends?  Just last week, I forced myself to go to a meet-up for the Mom's forum.  I went by myself, walked in on my own (wanted to make a run for it as soon as I arrived) and put myself out there - AGAIN.  I left that day with a play date setup for this week with two of the Moms that were there. I have never stopped trying and although we have a plan to move back, I still have to be here for the next year or so.  I'm not going to sit on my hands and wait for the day to come.
With all the supportive responses, why am I so bothered by the negative?

Admitting Defeat

Last week, my husband informed me that I'm miserable.  He said the only time I smile any more is when I'm with my son.  I got defensive and very woe is me like and asked is that why I can't make any friends here - because I have an air of misery?? Followed by a quick exit of the room to go and clean something (that's what woman do.  We clean things when we're upset).  Later when I was ready to talk, I asked him, 'Is that really how you see me?' He said, 'yes, but I know why you're miserable and I know what I have to do to change it.'
So, we're going back to the States.  Wayne hopes to do it next summer, but there is a lot to be done before then so as long as it doesn't take another 2 years, I'm just glad the decision has been made.
We've talked about doing it before, but then the recession hit and our businesses suffered and the plans had to be nixed.  We're doing better now and we're going to hit the ground running.  Earlier this week, I started Wayne's Green Card application.  Once it's sent and the money is paid, it will be the official start of our long trip home.
Maybe there is no shame in admitting defeat.  Maybe me and England were never meant to be.  Five years is a long time to go without friends and without family.  I am officially admitting defeat and going back before I am forever changed by this experience.

Been sick AGAIN!

Today is my first day out of bed in 3 days.  I caught what Ethan had last week.  I think the downside to parenthood has to be the random illnesses we catch from our children.  I haven't been that sick since I was a child.  I had a 103 fever, chills, nausea, aches etc etc.  It was just awful.  Thankfully, I got over it quicker than Ethan or we'd be cooped up in this house for another week.  Today is day 8 since we've been able to leave the house and we both are suffering from cabin fever. 
We have a plumber here doing work that will probably be going the rest of the day so it will be another long day.  I have my little man sleeping on a baby mattress I put on the floor next to me so he can sleep in peace (they are working next to his room).  The only problem is that I'm stuck here until he wakes up (it's not a baby proofed room).  He looks so small all curled up in a ball.  Still not feeling a 100% - I feel like joining him. 
I know this is the most boring post on earth but it's just meant to be an update.  I'll write my real post later...

The first of many bad nights...

There is nothing that makes you feel more helpless than a sick child.  Last night was the first time since becoming a toddler that my little boy was very sick.  When they are babies, it's still hard, but they aren't really looking for you to help.

Ethan's first Christmas was spent with a stomach virus that made it's way through Wayne's entire family (including me).  The poor little guy was only 6 months old and he spent the better part of two days vomiting up everything he ate.  When he wasn't being sick, you'd never guess there was anything wrong - he just continued to smile and play.
At 8 months old, the night before leaving for his first trip to the US, he got terribly sick with a high fever.  We spent the night in the ER before starting our trip early the next morning.  The doctor said it would be ok to travel and so we did.  Looking back, I'd never do that again.  It was a long awful trip for him, us and everyone on the plane.
Last night was different though.  Last night, he wasn't a baby anymore.  He woke around 1:00 screaming and burning up.  I picked him up out of his crib and there was no consoling him.  I sat him down in the rocker to try and sooth him and he started to vomit.  This time, he was older than when it happened before.  This time he was clearly scared and distressed by being so sick and he kept waving his arms at me and trying to hug me while crying with this look of panic on his face - As if to say, Mommy make it stop.  It was the same each time it happened and it broke my heart to not be able to make it stop.  His fever was 103 (39.5 C) and I could feel his skin burning mine as I held him.  In between throwing up, he clung to me for dear life and I wanted so badly to wave a magic wand that would make it all ok.  In the end, he fell asleep in my arms and in our bed.  This morning he was up at 6:00 and his fever was down to 101.  I feel like I got hit by a bus.
I know this was the first of many nights like this.  As he grows up, he will get sick and I'll go through it again and again, but the first time is hard.  No-one could have prepared me for the love I have for this little boy.  I can't imagine what it must be like for parents with a child who is chronically ill.  It must be a horific experiance.  At least I had the comfort of knowing it woud pass.

Social Networking Sites

I've been on both Facebook & MySpace for quite some time. When I first joined, I couldn't understand the appeal. I just didn't see what all the fuss was about. Then one day my best friend called me and told me to check something out on Facebook (a photo of someone from days gone by). While having a peek, I noticed that people where using their maiden names to make it easier for people to find them. I figured this was a good idea and I did the same. That's when it all became clear because before long, I had over a 100 different people on my friend list. It was a mix of people from throughout my life that I had friendships with, knew casually or went to school with (and some that knew me, but I honestly didn't remember them). It was quite the phenomenon - at my fingertips, there were over 100 people from throughout my life that I could see pictures of & catch up with! There is a downside to this phenomenon though. Actually, there are many downsides. Some I won't discuss, but I will name a few in this post and in posts to follow. For one, catching up with people may not be quite what you imagine. You can look back on days gone by and have something emerge you never quite expected... On MySpace, I had the first great love in my life send me a friend request. I was shocked & so pleased to hear from him in this way. Before long he started posting pictures of the days we were together - pictures he said were taken for me while we were in a long distance relationship (he was in the Army) - pictures he wrote me love letters on. Seeing these photos on such a public forum bothered me. After all, they were my photos, but I swept those thoughts from my head thinking I'm happily married now, it was a long time ago - what's the difference now. Soon after, there was a comment on one of those photos from a woman I did not recognize and never heard of before. Her comment read something like this - 'Thanks so much for the memories - you were such a prize on my arm back then.' Ouch! This was the man I believed was the first real love of my life. This was that man that all other were compared to - the man I kept a special place in my heart for. 20 years later, there I sat heartbroken by the truth of the matter. One little thing on social networking site, changed my whole life story. It went from I story that I thought I knew, to one I only knew the edited version of and that is hard to get used to. My memories are skewed and I'll never know what was real and what wasn't.

5 years on...

I've been in the UK for 5 years now and I haven't made any real friends here - sure there is the occasional mom I meet up with, but there isn't anybody I talk to on a regular basis or feel very close with.
Ever since having Ethan, I've been really homesick.  Wayne is so busy with work and I just feel so lonely. I spend so much time on my own with just my son - I'd say 80% of my time is just him and I. I LOVE being a mom, but it's still very lonely & isolating and it's really wearing on me. I don't drive here & have a home business which doesn't help. I've done toddler & baby groups with little luck (starting a new one on Thursday) and have also done classes as well. I've joined a gym, a slimming world group & also tried being a consultant for a cosmetics company doing in home parties - All in the hope of making new friends.
I have had probably about a dozen different Moms over for play dates but sooner or later they all drop off. To be honest, I'm starting to get a complex! I never had trouble making friends before coming here. I've always had an easy time of it when it comes to a social life, but it's so hard for me in this country. 5 years is a long (lonely) time to go without friends.
Last week, Wayne got hurt at work and had to go to the emergency room. His family lives 4 hours away & I had nobody I could call to come babysit so I could go be with my husband. It's just not normal to live like this!
I miss my family and friends back home. I miss seamless conversation. I miss feeling like I belong. I'm so fed up with always feeling out of place and always being the only American in the room.

Sorry...

I know I said I was going to start blogging again and now it's been ages.  The thing is, we moved on July 10th.  Leading up to it, I was really busy getting ready for the move and then it was a matter of settling in.  It doesn't help that the computer is in a room that isn't baby-proofed.  I only get to the computer when Ethan is sleeping so it's hard to get a free moment.  I will try though.

The new house is lovely.  We're in a waterfront property right on the harbour. The view is amazing.  It changes your mood just looking out the window!  This was the 4th move in 5 years.  I told my husband that this is the last time.  If we're not buying a place to develop or moving back to the Sates - I'm staying here!

Feeling a bit better...

Today was my first day out of bed in about 4 days.  I was really sick with a virus and don't remember the last time I felt so bad.  I didn't have a cold & fever like Ethan did (who is just showing signs of recovery).  I just had the fever side of it.  I had a fever, awful sore throat, aches & pains, nausea and a headache that lasted 3 days. 
Today I feel so much better but between Ethan being sick and then me, I haven't cleaned the house in weeks.  It's neat but far from clean.  I re-schedules Ethan's party for this Saturday and I have so much cooking, baking and cleaning to do I don't know how I'm going to pull it off. I have a friend coming to help out on Friday.  Hopefully, I get it all done without flaring up my arthritis too bad. 
I know this isn't much of a post and I'm sorry if it's terribly boring, but I'm exhausted & not fully recovered.  I only wanted to make sure I posted something so a week doesn't turn into a month.  I'll try again tomorrow...

My little man is sick this week...

My little man is sick this week.  He's been sick since Sunday.  We went to his grandparent's house for his birthday and he was given the gift of a cold and fever by his very generous granddad (I'm being sarcastic if you haven't figured that out).  I'm really annoyed because they didn't let me know he was sick.  My father in-law has unwell and unable to kick a pretty bad caugh for weeks now, but they didn't let us know before making the trip.  I think they ddn't because they knew I would have re-scheduled our visit and my mother in-law didn't want to have to wait to see Ethan.
Don't get me wrong, I like my mother in-law very much, but I can't help being annoyed because I now have a sick 1 year old who may have to have his birthday party canclled to aviod the other babies from getting what he has.  His party is Sunday and I feel like if I announce Ethan isn't well that I'll be stuck with a party that no-one will show up for because if I don't tell the other partens than I'm no better than the in-laws were for not telling me.  They at least deserve the choice right?
The worst part is that I didn't even want to have this party.  I've been so depressed about not being with my family and friends for Ethan's first birthday.  I hate not being able to share the special times with the people I love.  It's really hard being so far away.  I was just going to have a party with some of the other Moms that I see so that I could have a photo for the photo album and Ethan can get some gifts to open.  But it's not as if anyone will be here that really loves him (except maybe the girl who babysits him occasionally).
Since we've been back from our last visit home, my mother and I both got really good web cams and we make a point to get on at least once a week (if not more).  Ethan really enjoys it and shows off for his grandparents who make a big fuss over everything he does.  I had asked all of my family to get web cams, but it just wasn't a priority and no-one else has (which has been a big disappointment because I wanted him to stay familiar with all of them after our visit in March).  I wanted him to know who they were.  At least he'll know grandma & grandpa next time he sees them.  Time's up - the little man is screaming upstairs.  he can't sleep because he's too congested...

My little boy's birthday

My Ethan turns 1 tomorrow.  I can't believe how fast it's gone.  My baby is just not a baby any more.  He's been a toddler for 3 months already (considering he started walking at 9 months).  He now runs all over the place and takes great pride in finding the biggest thing he can find and walking around holding it.  The other day, he took me by the hand and walked me around the living room and he now gives real and proper hugs that just make your heart melt.  He never stops smiling and he's a joy to be around.  I am completely in love with my little boy and have to say that being his mom is the best thing I have ever done.